Welcome TESSA GRACE

Yesterday morning Rachael gave birth to Tessa! I just confirmed the name! She was 10 lbs! Holy COW! I took the girls to SLC yesterday and we got to meet her. She’s such a precious little soul. Congratulations Rachael and Seuao!

Lance has been working his way back. God help me, I love that man. I don’t know what it’s going to take to keep our family together. I’m scared to hope. Look at how beautiful the canyon was on the drive!

give up this fight

Turn down the lights;
Turn down the bed.
Turn down these voices
Inside my head.
Lay down with me;
Tell me no lies.
Just hold me close;
Don't patronize.

Don't patronize me.

'Cause I can't make you love me
If you don't.
You can't make your heart feel
Something it won't.
Here in the dark
In these final hours,
I will lay down my heart
And I'll feel the power;
But you won't.
No, you won't.
'Cause I can't make you love me
If you don't.

I'll close my eyes,
Then I won't see
The love you don't feel
When you're holding me.
Morning will come,
And I'll do what's right;
Just give me till then
To give up this fight.

And I will give up this fight.

-Bonnie Raitt

Lex

Recently it was my gorgeous sister-in-law Alexis’s birthday. She is one of the most beautiful people I have ever met –both physically, and more importantly, inside. Lex has been through so much in her life. It’s impossible to even fathom some of the things she’s seen, and they’re only her stories to tell. What I do know about her is that I’ve never seen a person come out the other side of such exposure so innocent. Lex is the angel sent to Dave –the only woman who could keep up with him and his ambition and energy. She’s really the angel sent to our whole family, as we have taken her in as much a sister/ daughter as one of our own. She has tons of energy and a hilarious sense of humor. Lexie is always up for a fun time, and loves deeply. She’s Noah’s mom. She’s Dave’s bride. She’s my sister and friend. Happy birthday, Lex, I love you!

The beebee

Milly-Kisses.

Noah is 1!

Noah John's birthday party was this weekend! He's just like Dave, it's hilarious! Dave and Lexie have already had some freak accidents with this baby -he's just fearless! He's tiny -in the 3rd percentile for weight, but he's all energy! Noah likes to climb, and is getting used to walking. He's got the biggest hazle eyes and is finally getting some hair! I've never seen a baby come out so perfectly! What a doll!
Happy Birthday Baby Noah, we love you!

Support

On Monday when I came home from running around trying to put some of my life back together, my three sisters were in the kitchen waiting for me (up from SLC). I walked in the door and was completely overwhelmed with the love that can only come from my family. I burst into tears (wasn’t uncommon at the time) and hugged each of them so tightly. They cried with me, and shared their love and support. They also brought be some bright and fun flowers and gave me this gorgeous bracelet –it says “sisters”.
My Mom and Dad have been nothing short of amazing. They have been protective and welcoming as I made the transition into their home. My dad quietly telling me it would all be alright spoke so much louder than I thought possible. Mom told me this morning that she missed me the morning I was out with the kids before she woke up… :)
My friends have been so wonderful. They have done so much to help me move, and to reassure me of their love and support as well. I’ve been blessed so much during this process. A humble thank you to all of your kind words, your messages, your emails, and your prayers.

The Worst.

You know when worse becomes normal, and you don't acknowledge that there could be a worst coming? It did. To take a step back, Lance is a functional alcoholic. I knew this about him when I married him. I had made a very firm decision in my mind that after my history with marriage, there was no way I would make this commitment again unless I dove in head-first with all of my heart and soul. And I did. Everyone who knows me could see it on my face, my joy was so full.
Something changed.
A distance has been building for some time, and I couldn't love enough for the both of us. Have you ever loved more than you were loved? It's the most damning place I know.
It seemed to be my choice for a while; Do I remove the girls from a home with a mom and a dad for my selfish need to be adored? The choice was no longer mine when I saw that Lance had moved on. He let me know in no uncertain terms that I didn't meet his physical standard, nor his mothering standard. Granted, he told me while blind drunk, but the physical number saved on his phone (“hott blonde chick”) made it too real to ignore.
I moved out in one day. I have friends and my mom recruited some strong men who came through for me- in such a beautiful and enlightening way. I'm loved.
As the girls nestled into bed with me last night in the house I grew up in, and my tenderheart Mia whined, knowing something was wrong, something told me I did the right thing.

What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies. -Aristotle

My friends are so very dear and important to me. I can’t imagine going through this life without the love and support of my dear girlfriends. To each of you, thank you so much for being my sounding boards, for being my confidants, and for holding such a huge piece of my heart. Thank you for choosing me. I love you.

Labor Day Weekend

Over the weekend we went to see Rachael and my other siblings in SLC. I headed out on Sunday afternoon with the girls. They’re both excellent little travelers. On the 215, Ella really needed to go to the potty, so I gave her the camera to snap a few pictures in order to take her mind off of things. Here are a few of her shots! Rachael and I spent some time organizing a few things for the new baby –scheduled to arrive in the next month. Hopefully what we accomplished was helpful and the transition with the baby will be smooth…
Here are some of the cutest shots from the weekend:

My Davy

I have a lot of memories about Dave. Growing up, he was such a BOY! John had three older sisters all over him, and he was a little more tender-hearted than Dave was. He was a bit more rough-and-tumble, and was as adorable as they come. Dave had wispy blonde hair and the biggest brown eyes. He was a chubby little dude –I remember trying to zip up his little blue one-piece suit, and having to stop, as the zipper would pinch his neck at the top! That didn’t last wrong, and we all questioned the gene pool a little bit in the back of our minds as he became insanely skinny –and has remained so all of his life! I remember Dave being CRAZY about Aladdin when that cartoon came out, and he wanted to be like him. I remember him having TERRIBLE stage fright as he stood in the Logan Tabernacle and tried to sing with all the kids, but just cried instead. –Broke my heart!
My favorite Dave memory was of his eighth grade graduation assembly. Granny and I had snuck in the back of the Mount Logan Middle School Auditorium, and watched as the curtain rose to find Dave’s band; Woodly Bog performing! I don’t know where the connection flipped from stage-fright to on-stage, but when Dave goes for something, he goes BIG! The boys had their MLMS tee shirts (for PE) on with jeans. What stood out, was that Dave was first wearing jeans that you could fit three Dave’s in, but on the jeans were pinned every manner of stuffed animal that wasn’t be used around the house! The music started, and the boys began to play. Now, I’m not a prude, however, Alice Cooper’s “Poison” was probably not on the top of my list of songs to be singing to sixth-graders!! Read the lyrics! When the performance ended, as the curtain came down, the girls were screaming, the hysteria coming to a close –the teacher’s faces coming out of their hands, Dave grabbed at the stuffed animals pinned to his huge pants, and threw them out to his adoring fans. It was one of the BEST moments I’ve ever seen! This band would go on to play the Warped Tour! ...Then all go on missions and get married and stuff.
Dave served a mission in Washington State, and has always been incredibly influential with his ability to communicate. He has so much drive and ambition. We lost John while he was out on his mission, but Dave was strong enough to choose to stay where he was. He’d written and recorded a song the morning of John’s death (before he knew) called “Look to Him and live” which was played at the funeral and the lyrics were printed on the program. It's like he was there –incredible. Dave continued to develop many talents, and married his beautiful sweetheart Alexis. He’s an experienced entrepreneurial business man –with a degree from USU. He’s looking to further his education with a masters program. He and Lex now have Noah, and live in SLC. I can’t imagine not having David’s influence in our family and in my life personally. The inspiration he is to me can’t be put into words, but on a very human-level, David is absolutely loving and warm and accepting, and generous, and a riot to be around. Happy birthday, Davy, I love you.