Wednesday, October 14, 2009

This Monday...

This Monday I'm having a hysterectomy. The details of why aren't necessary, but it's something that I have to do.

There are a million thoughts and fears that go with something like this. ....Most of which can't even be voiced because it's such a strangely private and quiet ending to something that has defined me in a way -to something that provided my own personal meaning for my life.

That will be gone.

It's not an organ of my body that I'll be missing, it is a worth. My children mean absolutely everything to me. My body has told me (in a very painful way) that I am not supposed to have any more... It's the end of this era. I'm growing old. My life is so real -and is taking on a new shape of where I stand in it. I'm not 'young and fabulous' -I have years and years behind me. ...More than turning 32 years old, THIS is the moment I have dreaded: realizing that any youth in me is long gone. Realizing that there is no moving backward -and these three angels are the only angels I will bare.

I would not be doing this if I hadn't come to terms with all of it. I am absolutely greatful for each life I have brought in to this world; my role goes on to raise them now.

I can't put these words together right.