Thursday, October 23, 2008


Autumn used to be my most favorite time of year. I’ve always been a huge fan of the crisp weather, the warmer clothes, the leaves, and the anticipation of the holidays ahead. I’m a Christmas junkie, but for reasons quite obvious, I can’t get into it this year. The other day I was talking to my mom about my “state of being” which includes a standard get-through-the-day mentality. I step back only on rare occasion to take assessment of how I’m doing as a mother, sister, daughter and friend, and don’t feel too snazzy about any of them. I’ve dropped the A-Game, so-to-speak on giving of myself. I don’t feel anyone is suffering because of it, but the focus needs to be redirected on my girls. I can’t imagine having been attached to Lance even one more day and trying to go through any of this. He said the other day that everything has gone too far –and I could only agree. There isn’t any going back, however, the healing process is often beyond what my heart can hold. My girls don’t see much (if any) of the sadness anymore, but at random and unexplainable moments, the tears fall and my heart bursts with overwhelming loss.