Monday, September 8, 2008

The Worst.

You know when worse becomes normal, and you don't acknowledge that there could be a worst coming? It did. To take a step back, Lance is a functional alcoholic. I knew this about him when I married him. I had made a very firm decision in my mind that after my history with marriage, there was no way I would make this commitment again unless I dove in head-first with all of my heart and soul. And I did. Everyone who knows me could see it on my face, my joy was so full.
Something changed.
A distance has been building for some time, and I couldn't love enough for the both of us. Have you ever loved more than you were loved? It's the most damning place I know.
It seemed to be my choice for a while; Do I remove the girls from a home with a mom and a dad for my selfish need to be adored? The choice was no longer mine when I saw that Lance had moved on. He let me know in no uncertain terms that I didn't meet his physical standard, nor his mothering standard. Granted, he told me while blind drunk, but the physical number saved on his phone (“hott blonde chick”) made it too real to ignore.
I moved out in one day. I have friends and my mom recruited some strong men who came through for me- in such a beautiful and enlightening way. I'm loved.
As the girls nestled into bed with me last night in the house I grew up in, and my tenderheart Mia whined, knowing something was wrong, something told me I did the right thing.