The Worst.

You know when worse becomes normal, and you don't acknowledge that there could be a worst coming? It did. To take a step back, Lance is a functional alcoholic. I knew this about him when I married him. I had made a very firm decision in my mind that after my history with marriage, there was no way I would make this commitment again unless I dove in head-first with all of my heart and soul. And I did. Everyone who knows me could see it on my face, my joy was so full.
Something changed.
A distance has been building for some time, and I couldn't love enough for the both of us. Have you ever loved more than you were loved? It's the most damning place I know.
It seemed to be my choice for a while; Do I remove the girls from a home with a mom and a dad for my selfish need to be adored? The choice was no longer mine when I saw that Lance had moved on. He let me know in no uncertain terms that I didn't meet his physical standard, nor his mothering standard. Granted, he told me while blind drunk, but the physical number saved on his phone (“hott blonde chick”) made it too real to ignore.
I moved out in one day. I have friends and my mom recruited some strong men who came through for me- in such a beautiful and enlightening way. I'm loved.
As the girls nestled into bed with me last night in the house I grew up in, and my tenderheart Mia whined, knowing something was wrong, something told me I did the right thing.

What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies. -Aristotle

My friends are so very dear and important to me. I can’t imagine going through this life without the love and support of my dear girlfriends. To each of you, thank you so much for being my sounding boards, for being my confidants, and for holding such a huge piece of my heart. Thank you for choosing me. I love you.

Labor Day Weekend

Over the weekend we went to see Rachael and my other siblings in SLC. I headed out on Sunday afternoon with the girls. They’re both excellent little travelers. On the 215, Ella really needed to go to the potty, so I gave her the camera to snap a few pictures in order to take her mind off of things. Here are a few of her shots! Rachael and I spent some time organizing a few things for the new baby –scheduled to arrive in the next month. Hopefully what we accomplished was helpful and the transition with the baby will be smooth…
Here are some of the cutest shots from the weekend:

My Davy

I have a lot of memories about Dave. Growing up, he was such a BOY! John had three older sisters all over him, and he was a little more tender-hearted than Dave was. He was a bit more rough-and-tumble, and was as adorable as they come. Dave had wispy blonde hair and the biggest brown eyes. He was a chubby little dude –I remember trying to zip up his little blue one-piece suit, and having to stop, as the zipper would pinch his neck at the top! That didn’t last wrong, and we all questioned the gene pool a little bit in the back of our minds as he became insanely skinny –and has remained so all of his life! I remember Dave being CRAZY about Aladdin when that cartoon came out, and he wanted to be like him. I remember him having TERRIBLE stage fright as he stood in the Logan Tabernacle and tried to sing with all the kids, but just cried instead. –Broke my heart!
My favorite Dave memory was of his eighth grade graduation assembly. Granny and I had snuck in the back of the Mount Logan Middle School Auditorium, and watched as the curtain rose to find Dave’s band; Woodly Bog performing! I don’t know where the connection flipped from stage-fright to on-stage, but when Dave goes for something, he goes BIG! The boys had their MLMS tee shirts (for PE) on with jeans. What stood out, was that Dave was first wearing jeans that you could fit three Dave’s in, but on the jeans were pinned every manner of stuffed animal that wasn’t be used around the house! The music started, and the boys began to play. Now, I’m not a prude, however, Alice Cooper’s “Poison” was probably not on the top of my list of songs to be singing to sixth-graders!! Read the lyrics! When the performance ended, as the curtain came down, the girls were screaming, the hysteria coming to a close –the teacher’s faces coming out of their hands, Dave grabbed at the stuffed animals pinned to his huge pants, and threw them out to his adoring fans. It was one of the BEST moments I’ve ever seen! This band would go on to play the Warped Tour! ...Then all go on missions and get married and stuff.
Dave served a mission in Washington State, and has always been incredibly influential with his ability to communicate. He has so much drive and ambition. We lost John while he was out on his mission, but Dave was strong enough to choose to stay where he was. He’d written and recorded a song the morning of John’s death (before he knew) called “Look to Him and live” which was played at the funeral and the lyrics were printed on the program. It's like he was there –incredible. Dave continued to develop many talents, and married his beautiful sweetheart Alexis. He’s an experienced entrepreneurial business man –with a degree from USU. He’s looking to further his education with a masters program. He and Lex now have Noah, and live in SLC. I can’t imagine not having David’s influence in our family and in my life personally. The inspiration he is to me can’t be put into words, but on a very human-level, David is absolutely loving and warm and accepting, and generous, and a riot to be around. Happy birthday, Davy, I love you.

Happy Birthday Dave!!

We had a fantastic birthday party at Rachael's in SLC yesterday. Dave is 26 already -I just can't believe it. I'm getting older, but it's weird to me that my siblings are keeping up! Lex takes a fabulous picture -even with her eyes closed! :)
Here's Mia in the car on the drive up. I put her in Granny's built-in car-seat (Lazy mom's best friend) which turned out to be a BIG mistake, as I had to hold her little head up when she dozed. This took away some of the pleasure of being a passenger -who could have dozed herself. Oh well.
Funny picture! Ella is snoozing in the back -like I wish I were!

My lovely Granny! I thought this was such a beautiful picture!
Mary and Allen! ...Yes, Allen always looks suspicious... (wink)
Beautiful Lily -who doesn't look like a baby anymore! She'll be a big sissy next month!!
Baby Noah -sportin' his mini-mo-hawk. Too cute. ...And too skinny!
Dad playing with Ella.

Fabulous Sarah -the designated baby photographer!
Lex is THE BOMB! Who else would chase Ella around ...happily? No wonder Ella wants to be just like her.
Ok, Mia-babes is NO THRILL SEEKER!!!! If you toss this kiddo up, she'll look at you like she was just slapped! We started with the big swing -Mia on my lap. We moved to the fun little bucket baby swing, and Mia had a blast! Look at the smile on this baby! Ha!

Resting In Peace

I came home from work to find this in my bed.

Little did Ella know that a dear little friend of hers was resting in peace now too –Max the Dog. On Monday Debbie watched the girls while Lance slept (he worked a double again). Max charged Ella, but didn’t bite her. Ella turned to Grandma and said “Whew that was a close one!” –and didn’t understand what really happened there… Debbie looked at her with sadness and said, “Yes, it was.” She spoke with Donny about it that night, and yesterday when she finally found the nerve, she and Candace took Max to the Doctor’s office to be euthanized. Max snipped at the nurse –which he’s never done, which gave them both a bit of a final indication that something within him wasn’t right anymore.
My heart is broken for Debbie, as Max was the reason she decided to retire, and he was her best friend. My heart is broken for Ella –who has been SO attached to him from the beginning. She still prays for Elvis –my family’s dog, which died almost a year ago. Yet, I do feel safer and better that my loved ones aren’t at the risk they were with the change in his temperament. Not the best day.
Ella and I talked about it last night. Off the bat, she asked “for real?”. I reminded her about how Max started to nip at people –and that it wasn’t like him to do that, so he was sick. I told her that Debbie had a special conversation with Heavenly Father, and it was time for Max to come up to heaven and play with Elvis. She took it well, but we went through a lot of questions about death. Thank God I have a testimony that we go on after this life. I can’t imagine trying to explain something like this without God at the head –as well as looking forward to seeing those we love again someday. Last night as she prayed, she asked Heavenly Father to take care of Max until she “comes up”. We love you, Max.

Go #68!

This weekend we got to go to Logan High School (ah memories) and watch Chaedon play some football! He plays for Logan –go Grizzlies! It was a blast to watch him out there knocking dudes down. It was stinkin’ hotter than blue-blazes, and I ended up under a tree for the 2nd half. I still wound up with sunburn –welcome to the land of non-tanning skin. Ouch!

Donny –my father-in-law came, as well as Candace, Scott, Aneesa and Chaston. All the kids had a fun time running around eating crackers, looking for “rolly pollys” and trying to dip their feet in the canal. Excellent way to spend the day!

:(

I'm siiiiiiiick.

Tonsillitis

Well, if anyone has been wondering where I’ve been, we have a little baby at home with tonsillitis. This diagnosis comes only AFTER taking to instacare on Monday morning –only to pay $50.00 for a quick strep culture, and a general cold diagnosis (ignoring her 104˚ temperature). …This is completely asinine, and believe me, there is an ugly complaint sitting on the manager’s voicemail right now.
* "The worse the mom looks, the sicker the kid" -Trista

So we hit our Dr. office the next day after Mia's fever wasn't going to go anywhere (mind you, we've been doing baths throughout the night trying to keep her temperature in check). The doctor asked me if instacare even looked at her throat... So, we have our tonsillitis diagnosis, we have our Augmenton drugs and hopefully we'll have a healthier baby sooner rather than later.

25 facts about Miss Ella Boo

I was quite inspired by an entry of Peg’s about her little guy and some cool facts about Jack, so I’m gonna totally copy her and let you know some fun and interesting things about Ella.

1- Ella is MISS INDEPENDENT! I’ve said from day one that if she got a hold of my keys, she’d go rent her apartment.
2- Ella is the spitting image of her dad. I don’t see ANY of myself in the way she looks, and frankly, neither does anyone else. Maybe we need a maternity test…
3- Ella is four, going on fourteen. She has the vocabulary to match (and lately, some of it NOT so good).
4- Ella’s favorite colors are orange and blue (what the heck?).
5- Ella doesn’t do “girly” stuff –like jewelry, princesses, or PINK.
6- Ella loves books, and recognizes all her letters.
7- Ella can count to 10 in Spanish, and to around 15 before she starts repeating other numbers!
8- Ella lives for her bed-time routine, which includes (from my perspective):
a. Bath
b. Comb hair (with detangler)
c. Brush teeth
d. Get “fresh water”
e. Read a story (most often Mother Goose rhymes –in which I end up singing most of them, like “Hickory Dickory Dock”, “Baa Baa Black Sheep”, or “Hush Little Baby”)
f. Sing 2 songs (usually “Rock-a-bye” –but with a surprise as to who will “catch Ella, cradle and all) –like Tom and Jerry or Spongebob will do the catching. She also requests tickles ONLY when she closes her eyes, or lays down, or starts to laugh :)
g. Say prayers –me first, then her
h. Tell her I’m proud of her –and if I miss it, she’ll ask if I’m proud of her!
i. Kisses and answer as many questions as she can get out before I’m to the door and getting it closed…
9- Ella has the most BEAUTIFUL coffee brown eyes with lashes that go on forever, but always has crap around her mouth –see picture. :)
10- Ella is learning to use her “l’s” in the right place (i.e. instead of Wogan, we live in Logan, and instead of I wuv you, it’s I love you).
11- Ella has recently started blaming Mia for her toots, and her “excuse me’s” are dwindling.
12- Ella LOVES to be outside, and is a camper through and through.
13- Ella’s favorite show is “Spongebob Squarepants” –which isn’t too bad from an adult perspective, if you have to put up with cartoons anyway.
14- Ella loves old-school-mom-and-dad music, and her favorite songs are:
a. Ring of Fire by Jonny Cash
b. Standing Outside The Fire by Garth Brooks (she digs campfire, and thinks they’re related)
c. Mrs. Robinson by Simon and Garfunkel (my influence!)
15- Ella is bossy (I don’t know where that comes from).
16- Ella will randomly say “Mommy, I love you” –and it’s the most precious thing in the world.
17- Ella can wear any color and look fabulous.
18- Ella knows words to songs after hearing them once, and the same is true for words on pages in books –brilliant!
19- Ella’s wiggle-waggle dance should be charged for viewing –it’s that AWESOME!
20- Ella is VERY bold in pushing the envelope with how much she can get away with, and sometimes her flat “no’s” are almost enough to make me laugh. Almost.
21- Ella is up to my mid-ribs –and will probably be taller than me when she’s full grown (I’m 5’9”).
22- Ella can wink each eye by its self, and can summersault with the best of them.
23- Ella likes to “win the race” and run around the ottoman –however, this is more abundant when we’re cooped up during cold months.
24- Ella is an excellent big sissy –when she wants to be.
25- Ella is my first “little love” and if you can’t tell, I’m crazy about her.