Right and wrong isn't the sermon of the day. ...Neither is good and evil, and for that matter.... no, there will be no sermons.
May 13th came and went, but not unnoticed! Ella turned 7 years old. I had a fun cake for her on her actual birthday -thanks to my friend Karen for making another delicious number for us! 
Ella had an awesome birthday party the next day. We did a lil' bit of a Hannah Montana motif, mixed with an "Ella's Garden" bit since she got some plants for her birthday. ...At her request. :)
Dear Ella-
You are such an incredible young lady. You have developed your reading skills like mad and love it. You sparkle with any opportunity to learn. You are crazy creative and make absolutely adorable creations. You like to draw pictures and hide them for me! :) I cherish them. You earned a special math award this year. You are brilliant with speaking and understand & pick up so much. Every day I dropped you off at school you would literally run inside!
You have friends who adore you. Your sisters want to be just like you. You are a natural leader, and feel deeply with your heart. Ella, it is an absolute honor to be your mother. I thank God for you every day of my life, and will never ever understand what I did to deserve you.
I hope you had a good birthday, sweetie.
Yours,
Mommy
This little Bell of the ball has graduated her 1st year of Preschool! Her star says "Sooo Cute" because she says it all the time about most things... You should shop with her!
Here's Ella and me chillin' at the show!
Mia must have had something important to say. It usually comes in a stance like this, with a full-toothed smile too. I'm a lucky mom. :)
Congrats, my middle angel. You're growing up too fast!
I have been living moment to moment in a universe of absolute uncertainty. The only thing I know is that I love my children and love God. ...Most everything else is up for grabs. There are a few arms of extenuating "I believes", but have been proven wrong on too many.
The trust I thought I'd had in so many different aspects is really shaken. There have been "regrettable incidents" to straight-up betrayals. I have been faced with truths unbearable to believe, or alternatively too unbearable to internalize (therapy has been helping)...
I have a sincere appreciation for those who have expressed concern, and you'll please forgive me for keeping most of you at an arm's length. It's the darkest hour of my life, and I don't know how to sugar-coat it.
Dear John-
It was so long ago that you and I sat in the computer room at Mom and Dad’s house when I told you that I was getting a divorce from Andrew. You looked so concerned, and told me that you’re there for me to talk to anytime I needed you.
I never took you up on that.
It was one of our last conversations.
I am in a similar position -9 years later, and I wish your offer was still standing. John, there are a million regrets that I have about my life and what I have (and have not) accomplished. Being a better sister to you is probably my number one. We shared the same migraines; we shared some of the same classes and friends… We both shared the heartbreaking idea that somehow we didn’t measure up. My peace truly comes from knowing that you don’t have to believe that anymore.
I’m still in the middle of it.
I wish I could tell you that I own my awesomeness (ha ha), but it’s so far outside of me I can’t seem to see straight. …This isn’t just awesomeness, this is beauty, this is motherhood, and even personal accountability. I am just getting by, and I hate it.
Yes, there are siblings whom I have absolute access to, who would love to listen and advise, however, the immortal element is quite an appeal. What’s it like, John? How wonderful is it knowing that you ARE incredible, and that you did wonderful things for people? …How does it feel to actually understand Heavenly Father’s love, and to walk with angels?
John, from what I know that we shared as children, I know that your concern and love for me is, and has always been real. I am so grateful. I am so touched and blessed to have known you, to have been your big sister for 22 years. I am humbled beyond belief that the incredible life you led somehow included me.
I am so sorry. I am sorry I let you down and made so many crappy decisions. I am so sorry that when you invited me to visit with you and your friends in Smithfield that I never went. I NEVER WENT!!! John, I am so sorry for the million regrets that I have about you, and I wish more than anything in the world that I could selfishly have you back for one day to just soak up some of your soul and rejuvenate my spirit and my faith.
I had a miscarriage a few years back… Hey, if that baby is kicking around up there, please send it my love and tell him or her how much I think about them. My girls would love you, John. …They know you because they knew you before crossing the veil, and it’s one of the most beautiful things to me: I know who you were hanging out with! :)
I hope you understand that as ever now, and ever in my future, you are a part of me. I miss you so terribly, it hurts. Thank you for being my angel. I will love you forever.
becca
Looking around, every space is different in one way or another. I am now in a beautiful little home --with just my little girls.
I have experienced a very long moment of time between "then" and "now" where time flashed in a hurry... There were a million meetings, there were a million interviews and papers to fill out... I am kind-of lucky that mundane paperwork is something I happen to thoroughly enjoy. :)
Ella is fantastic --she turns 7 years old on the 13th! She has been excelling at school in reading. She just finished indoor soccer where she was the only girl --and the tallest chick on the team!
Mia is almost done with preschool, and sings "Jesus Wants Me For A 'Sun-beep'" multiple times an hour.
Sabrina will now copy any word you ask her to say, and is down to one (or less) nap a day...
I am looking into options available to me at this moment, but am still sad. I am continuing therapy and am learning at a heart-breaking pace what friendships I have that can survive.
...Survive.
When I think about the future of my little family it is excruciating. I don't know when or how, but it's all going to change.
I love my girls. I want only wonderful and good things for them, above all peace. I guess as the saying goes, it's better to come from a broken home than to live in one. Someday I will have so many questions to answer --and that day is coming. As this is the only life these girls will have, my job is to prepare them for it. How can I be effective and be the influence that inspires independence, strength of character, and an absolute knowledge of what she will and will not stand for?
Live it.
It grates on my mind ALL THE TIME. I don't know how people can just "forget" about their blogs --mine grates on me everyday. ...Everyday that I don't write is a conscious choice. Sometimes my writing is too personal, and therefore, includes too much of what's going on inside of my brain.
My brain.
Ugh. Be grateful you're not there. At some point, the whole story will come flooding out, and the puzzle pieces will all make sense. That's not today. That's not anytime soon, so until then, I may write... I should write... I have three little girls who will someday wonder what's the dealio with the holes here, but maybe much longer than that someday, they will understand.
...Maybe by then I will too.
