therapy

Went to an awesome therapist today. She didn't have anything other agenda but to focus on me and let me speak from the soul. It was absolutely wonderful. 2 1/2 hours later, I left with a renewed purpose and a soft reasoning to my heart that makes me feel that maybe I'm not so bad after all...

...Can't wait until the next session.

Halloween 2010

During the insanity of living between households, there has been a lot that has fallen through the cracks. Yes, Halloween came and went! ...There are pictures to prove some participation! Above is my beautiful Mia. She'll be 3 years old at the end of the month, but look at that head of hair! It's growing so fast! YAY!

Here are the girls right before trick o' treating. Ella was a Glitzy-Witch, and Mia was a bunny rabbit.

Bunny!

Glitzy-Witch!

Sabrina-boo was my little clown.

On the day I moved out it was also the NFHP (Nolan Family Halloween Party) in Layton. I stole some pictures for the sake of documenting it, however, it breaks my heart that I wasn't there.

Above is my Dad playing with Sabrina in the swing at Dave and Lexie's.

Here's Ella and her cousin Noah.

There was pumpkin carving!

...And a corn-maze!

There were pumpkins to be picked...

...And super cute pix to be snapped! Here's Sabrina with Auntie Sarah.

A special thank-you goes out to my family (especially Mom and Dad) who stepped up to help me out and take the girls to this event even thought I wasn't going to be there.

The only update to report is that there is no major update. Lance are taking things day-by-day, and sometimes moment-by-moment. I am so touched by some of his gestures of sincerity in fighting for our family. There are other moments so painful I can't re-live them in my head for fear of break-down. I have learned a lot about my friends and about friendship in general. I have learned too much about myself, but not enough. Tomorrow I am taking steps to begin some counseling. The process and road that lies before me is daunting and terrifying, as it quite realistically could end in my family breaking. I have and will continue to live on the tip of this knife, where comfort is no option, yet the sharp pain I feel can either kill me or drive me. Therapy, here I come.

...sunglasses...

Had quite the epiphany, and I don't mind sharing it since my situation is pretty public at this point.
Lance works a LOT of hours. A LOT LOT LOT. I signed up for this whole deal of being a stay-at-home mom in order to allow him to provide and make up for the income I wasn't bringing in. The way his job works, when he works over-time, it's in the form of a "double" which means 16 straight hours. He does this all the time. For me, this means 24 hours of holding things down multiple times a week. I lost sight of the fact that I SIGNED UP FOR THIS. I knew this was my end of the deal, and while he held his, I got lost.

There are a whole bunch of ugly details, but the details are not why I'm writing this. I am publicly apologizing to him. Lance, you are my world, and for as long as you'll have me, my choice is absolutely clear: I choose us.



Lance came home with some new sunglasses (I go through them like hairspray!) for me in the middle of the ugly times and I asked him why. ...When I'm the woman he wants to come home to there is nothing he wouldn't do for me.


Humbled.

update

Not much to tell. Absolute worst week of my life, but the despair is dissipating slightly.

now

Lance and I separated yesterday.

FUZZY

My head hurts. My nose is drippy. My eyes are watery. My throat is scratchy.




:(

A Tale For YOU!

THE BATTLE OF THE SPOON!

Mommy's blog-readers, take heed: it's the tale of the spoon and the need to feed!

...As told by Mia.

This is Sabrina, she's cute and sassy. She received the spoon from Mommy, with a promise to be classy!

Bri took the spoon with an Oooo and an Aaaah. She thought "You trust me? We'll see! Ha Ha!"

I prodded with glee as the mess unfolded... We're creative and awesome! We can't be molded!

Bri looked at the spoon...

The spoon looked at Bri...

Sabrina thought "Forget this, there's a BETTER WAY FOR ME!!"

Her little hand gushed with berries and oatmeal. ...Another clean breakfast, FAR in the distance, I feel.

And to my delight, her spoon was set down.To the newest mess-maker, I now pass the crown!!!

The battle of the spoon is finished at last... Sabrina: 1, Mommy: 0 -victory, a thing of the past!

underneath

In a few ways, tonight was an eye-opener to the HUGE innocence I grew up with. There is so much evil and sadness and hardship out there. People are cruel, and children are hurt. ...Really hurt.
I am so so so grateful that I went to church every Sunday. I am so grateful that education was an expectation, and it was never even on my radar not to graduate high school. I am so grateful that the influence of alcohol and drugs never entered my home. I am so grateful that I had a foundation that gave me a personal relationship with God ...enough that through all my faults, and all of the ways I have NOT continued in the way I was raised, that he still trusted me with little souls to somehow guide.

My childhood directly affects me as an adult -directly affects who I am, and what (though underneath) I actually stand for. Thank you, Mom and Dad for giving this to me.

...and not to mention...

It never gets easier.

September 30th, 2002: John, I miss you with every piece of me.

Happy Birthday To Me!!

Since this entry is about ME ME ME (which one isn't?), I thought I'd mention the girls. The girls make me who I am... I do believe, however, that they got a few things from me:

Ella has my nerve. She's very argumentative and has a quick response for everything I say.

Mia has my sensitivity for others. We both love and hurt very deeply.

Sabrina has my smile. She is still developing a lot of her personality, but she knows how to keep on smiling. :)

This is my "token self shot" -only pic taken of me on my birthday.

Earlier I'd had the opportunity to go out with Candace. This pic was taken that night!

My birthday was actually an excellent day. I'd gone to Candace's for a few minutes and wound up cutting and styling her hair! I styled our friend (and Candace's neighbor) Aeriole's hair too. SO CUTE! We went to my in-laws home for dinner that evening for a magnificent seafood fest! YUMO!

Fabulous birthday. 33 feels OLD.