Goodbye Grandma Sortor

 

 

Today we lost Grandma Sortor due to complications from a stroke.  This is a picture of her and Lance from a few years ago.

From the memories I've had of her, she has always been so loving and tender.  She has set an example for me personally of womanhood and family.  I am blessed to have known her.

10 years.

10 years ago about this time in the evening, I sat in a small circle with my family in Logan, Utah, grieving the loss of a most amazing brother. 

John Patrick Nolan will be forever missed.  Tonight my family again gathered in a circle to share and remember this man.  We had children making noise -but the spirit in that room was quiet.  Peaceful.

Love is what John preached.  I think that his sense of compassion and humanity continues to affect lives --mine in particular.  I want to be like him.  I want to have those who know me, see me as I saw John: humble, loving, gracious, compassionate.

Sometimes I still do talk to him.  Sometimes as I wash my face, or kiss my babies I silently cry, feeling his presence and his concern.  I know there have been moments of my life -since his passing- where he was there with me.  ...Crying with me.  ...Laughing with me.

I want to take this moment to tell my family that they're everything to me.  I can't imagine my life without their love, their (undeserved) support, their compassion, and understanding.  I live within the legacy that John left: a family who will stand together, and never pass the opportunity to tell each they're loved.

"And I will stand fast in the liberty in which God has made me free.  He is first and last, who was and is, through all eternity.  And His foundation will not fail or give.  I will look to Him and live.  I will look to Him and live."

--David B. Nolan
--Excerp from a song he recorded in WA, the day John died.  ...Before he knew.



Yes, there's a hole in my heart.  A real one.  I see a cardiologist on October 9th, because it's not just a hole, but regurgitation in two valves... 

There's a hole in my heart....

Ummm.  Really.

Iron walls

The pieces of me that comprise a whole are so vastly different.  I have come to a settlement of sorts; each is autonomous.  Each is still a functioning piece of my heart, my head, my personality, my behavior.
Each important person in my life is presented a different combination of these pieces ---that which is necessary to sustain the integrity of the relationship. 
Very rarely are some of the pieces combined in a way that makes me unrecognizable to anyone...

...And on some occasions, the boarders to these pieces erode, or decay, or break, or are consciously opened to include a new piece to the dynamic of the relationship.
I speak of very specific souls:  Friends.  Family.  Children.  Spouse.  God. 

Within each complex recipe, these pieces are controlled or hidden, or nurtured; creating relationships where I'd hesitate to change anything.  RARE. 

Most are where I have not successfully compartmentalized that which can tend to change and affect what I'm working toward --the hope for what's exchanged within that interaction.

More and more I slip.  More and more the balance of the woman I try to present to others is not just changing outwardly, but inside the unsettled pieces crack easier-- some with such intensity that I don't recognize the fact that it's still a piece of me.

What I'm trying to convey in this metaphor is probably not making much sense.  What would clarify it for someone --for myself included-- are the pieces with iron walls.

The outcome of their expression would change the face of any and every perception of this Rebecca.

...To move forward is as difficult as moving back.  Being still is where it hurts the least... but change --as sure as the sun comes up every morning- will come.  In the end, the puzzle I put together is the most difficult task imaginable... and the girl you know might not be the girl you know.

Dave turns 30

My lil' brother Dave turned 30 today.  There is a huge shin-dig/luau planned for this Saturday, which will be a blast.  My thoughts?  I'm OOOOOLD (not to make it about me)...

Davy is so smart.  He's an entrepreneur.  He's a husband and father.  He has a lot of Dad's qualities, like financial savvy, spirituality, and elusiveness.  :)  He has an MBA.  He works in sales, apparently very successfully, owning a beautiful and huge home in Layton.  I remember everything about his youth -from the little blue jumper he wore all the time that wouldn't zip all the way up because he had a huge head- to his "Aladdin" phase- to his band, etc.  I am so grateful to be a part of his life.  He is an incredible person, and it's my honor to call him my brother.

I love you, Dave.  Happy Birthday.

Geeze

Blogger has changed everything!  I am just catching up on it all.  Needless to say, it's been a VERY busy summer.  The girls and I have been swimming so much, no one recognizes me with this tan...  I am back to pre-Christmas-munch-out jeans!  YAY!  Let's see if I can stay there...

Today Lance got the camera working again, so I will need to blog all about our crazy year.

We have been on a Disney Cruise.
I worked for about 4 months.

Life moves forward in Sortor land, and I plan on keeping all my good friends abreast of the happenings/ goings-on/ whimsies of she who is Rebecca Anne Nolan Sortor.  Take it or leave it.

:) pleeeze take it.  I am that fun to follow....

meh

This last weekend was great -went to Phoebe's (my brother Dave's lil' girl) 3rd birthday party!  There is so much to tell about me and the 'goingzon', but for now, let's say, stress.

Quality

The days pass so quickly.  I am trying to make my time with the girls as "quality" as it can be, however, I'm hitting a bad block of time (4pm to 8pm) where Ella wants to stay busy playing with friends... Mia wants to follow her.... Sabrina is exhausted and doesn't like to take naps (but falls asleep sometimes anyway).  The goal is to keep the relationship that I have had with each of them when I was at home all day long.  I think Summer is especially hard because the kids have to find something to do (be entertained) all day long...  I'd feel awesomer if the girls were all in school while I worked...
Anywho, we made dinner, we washed hair, we made dessert, we played Super Mario Bros., we watched 2 episodes of Hannah Montana.  I'm trying...  : /

NEGLECT

To explain what has happened over the last year is moot.  I have survived the worst (including a new worst day of my life), and have come out kicking and screaming as I fight for my family.

Turmoil sucks, but it's a character builder, eh?

Meantime, everyone got older...  Ella is 8 (still working on baptism deets), Mia is 4, Bri is 2, almost 3.  Lance is still at Schreiber, and I have started working at ye olde Convergys.  I put 7 years in, in a past life, so it's not too big of a deal to come back.  However, I am trying to navigate tech-support for Comcast business clients.  Tuff.

I need to blog again.  I need to keep a record for my family.  I may tell my tale eventually, but please follow me, pray for me, and help me keep my karma clear as I apologize for anyone whom I have hurt.  ....My family especially.

With love

Merry Christmas Eve!!!

I want to thank all of you for being invested in our lives. We love you so much! Have a very Merry Christmas!

Token....

Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes. The token self-shots are baaaaaack!

Ella's Christmas concert was today. What a fiasco. Have I mentioned that I am NOT a fan of Ella's elementary school? Gruff. Delivering some gifts... Running errands... Gettin' her done. By far the busiest time of the year.

Day 7 MWTOTY

Tonight we ventured to Mom's house for some family time/ differ/ hang with my friend Betsy-babes. We had a great time. Mom took a few moments to talk to the kids about the Christmas things they see every day -and what it signifies. IE candy represent the crook that the Shepperd's saw. We talked about stars, and Ella actually proved to me that the lessons were working! -She told us about the night before our Savior was born, the dark night sky never came. It was as bright as the sun for the entire night. Those who were unbelieving were panicked. I don't want that judgment one day of being one who panics and hides in shame.

Lots of work to do.

Thoughts on my experiment... I am so much happier now in this moment of my life than I had been for entirely too long.

Got most of the Christmas cards finished, got the car back ($268 -never gettin' that back ...do I have any rich friends? Leave a comment, or send a check in the mail!! Cash is acceptable too!), glamorizing my friend for photos, and took the pictures too! I hope that something looks good for her. The season of giving, of beauty, of Christ has truly captured me. I absolutely love love love

Day SIIIIIIIIIICKS MWTOTY

The siiiiiicks has a double meaning... It's long because it covers 2 days (I want one more shot at it tomorrow), and the "cks" part of it goes toward an ugly stomach bug that's been plaguing the tummies and toilets of the house. Eew.

Ok, so yesterday was the ward party. The meal was tostadas (deeeelightful) and I didn't have to cook! That's what went right...
Lance's Dad wound up back in the hospital (after a terrible history as of late, including a quintuple bypass) and was ambulanced to Ogden. The car broke. The wii broke.
Merry Christmas $ = :(
Okay, so here's why my Christmas spirit is :) --No one was hurt or injured when the car broke (could have cost lives if these springs had exploded (thanks for expiring the recall last month, Ford) while going any faster). Ella couldn't play the wii all day (woo!). ...And after draining his chest and running tests, I don't know the current situation with Donny, but I think that no news is good news. I will have to hound Lance for the update later on. After I heard about Donny last night I said a prayer. I cried and prayed, and was impressed to ask for his health if it be His will. I kinda had a panic attack after that. There was an incredible relief to hear that the hospital hadn't called during the night.

The miracles are everywhere and can be recognized when we accept His grace into our hearts and look.

No pictures lately -during this experiment. ...Just words. A LOT of thought.

Day 5 MWTOTY

Sooooo, amidst distractions and tears we read some scriptures and said a prayer.

Thought for the day....

"We all enjoy giving and receiving presents. But there is a difference between presents and gifts. The true gifts may be part of ourselves--giving of the riches of the heart and mind--and therefore more enduring and of far greater worth than presents bought at the store."
-James E. Faust

I need to work on my gifts......

Day 4, MWTOTY

So! Today hasn't been stellar, but not too bad either... Mad dash back for Christmas cards, as the ones I purchased turned out SO much different than I'd thought.

ALERT! PLEASE LEAVE YOUR ADDRESS IN A COMMENT OR MAIL ME: rebeccasortor@gmail.com

I don't want to leave anyone off the card list... The picture of the girls is SO cute --HUGE SCHPANKS TO MARY!!!!

Prayer? I'm so out of practice on this. ...At least I THINK about it all the time! Tonight I gathered the girls and we did a few more days from my book. When I prayed with the girls, we asked for a reminder to treat each other with respect and kindness... Not because Santa 'is watching' -but because it's how we honor Christ.

Love thy neighbor.

Day 3 MWTOTY

Prayer- man, gotta hit the knees.
Christmas spirit? Yes. This time it wasn't quite for the girls though, but for me. I went with Mom to her Relief Society Christmas Party. The program focused on women at the time of Christ -Mary, her mother, Joseph's mother, the Innkeeper's wife... So much about tonight was a personal witness within my heart that Christ is my center and that He is the Savior of mankind. The final woman who spoke did not portray that of a woman at Christ's time, but rather, the affected woman of today. This woman holds such a special place in my heart. Her college-age daughter died of leukemia this year. She spoke of Jesus, who knows our sorrows. She bore witness of the Christ who loves us so perfectly and personally -and as she cried, I cried too.

I found a quick moment when it was all over to stop her and thank her. Many many years ago, I had had for only an evening, her precious daughter in my care. I told her that when we lost John, yes, I lost a brother, but watching my parents lose their child was unbearable. I remember the first Christmas after it had happened so clearly. Though we heal, and our hearts figure out a peace, every Christmas is the sweetest reminder that Christ loves us -and loved me enough to give me the privilege of being John's sister. I told this sweet lady that her daughter's testimony was printed and kept at my Mom's home, where I read it several times. I told her that watching her speak tonight took me back to seeing the heartache in my own Mom, but it's also a calm witness that Christ heals.

When we stop to focus on the miracles, they come in to focus with abundance. I am humbled.

Day 2 MWTOTY

Prayed, many times.

-Ever notice that when you MEAN to pray, there's a constant running prayer in your heart, but sometimes it's just hard to find the time to hit your knees and do the work? Man, maybe that's just me. YIKES. Got Mia's eyes checked today -she's good to go. *Thank you, Lord. Fought more tooth pain and headache to boot, but survived. *Thank you, Lord. After cleaning up gobs of puke last night from Ella being sick, I had her home all day to whine and fight with Mia. We all took a trip to Sam's Club this afternoon (she felt better by 9 AM) after trying to stop by Ella's classroom to pick up missed work (yeah, the only teacher not in). So, I had a nervous twitch with tooth pain and feeling sickish -which randomly is including losing my voice (wth?)- I quickly realized that I was losing my Christmas spirit: a term coined by Nolans long ago.

Note: this term is applicable for incidents during the month of December and non-December alike... IE say Mary was caught cheating at Mormon Bridge, Becca might be "losing her Christmas spirit" because she didn't think to do that first...

So while doing dishes, I listened to the Mo' Tabs sing "The First Noel" and I cried. I gathered the girls at bedtime and dusted off an old book that I never finished putting together which had different scripture verses and a thought/ song for every day in December leading up to Christmas. We did December 1-4. The girls bounced around and only Ella could give me any real indicator that it meant something, but it did. ...Mean something.

I said a family prayer with my little girls and specifically thanked our Heavenly Father for the beauty of this season. Tonight it became a little more so.

Day 1 MWTOTY

(MWTOTY=Most Wonderful Time Of The Year)
Prayed, check!
Prayed a few times with a toothache, check check!
Christmas lesson? Well, we watched the oldie-but-goodie "It's Christmas, Charlie Brown" -which is one of the most beautiful and humble little cartoons ever presented to children. I love how at the end I was able to reinforce the message that was clear already (schpanks, S.Schwartz) -that the season is about Christ.

How did it go over? With glazed faces and requests for a denied dessert. On to day two!

It's The Most Wonderful....

I don't have everything that I want right now. I do have everything that I need right now. This is enough. Maybe this should be what I want?

The road to autonomy and perspective is riddled with people and opinions -Sarah, am I right??

Anywho.... I am going to run an interesting challenge this week that I have come up with on my own. I owe a WHOLE lot more than I have given. I will for this week:

1- BEGIN and END each day in thoughtful and REAL prayer.
2- Include in these prayers for inspiration somehow to help my girls see (even in a small way)why this is truly the most wonderful time of the year.

I shall record my findings.

Mia was born on November 30th, and she changed my life. This little girl is absolutely the most charming and hilarious kid you'd ever see! Ask her about her dance moves... She will argue almost anything for the sake of being right. She compliments people on jewelry or hair-do's --my little girly girl. Mia is so intelligent and wonderful.

Thank you swet girl for the incredible honor of being your Mommy.