Goodbye Grandma Sortor

 

 

Today we lost Grandma Sortor due to complications from a stroke.  This is a picture of her and Lance from a few years ago.

From the memories I've had of her, she has always been so loving and tender.  She has set an example for me personally of womanhood and family.  I am blessed to have known her.

10 years.

10 years ago about this time in the evening, I sat in a small circle with my family in Logan, Utah, grieving the loss of a most amazing brother. 

John Patrick Nolan will be forever missed.  Tonight my family again gathered in a circle to share and remember this man.  We had children making noise -but the spirit in that room was quiet.  Peaceful.

Love is what John preached.  I think that his sense of compassion and humanity continues to affect lives --mine in particular.  I want to be like him.  I want to have those who know me, see me as I saw John: humble, loving, gracious, compassionate.

Sometimes I still do talk to him.  Sometimes as I wash my face, or kiss my babies I silently cry, feeling his presence and his concern.  I know there have been moments of my life -since his passing- where he was there with me.  ...Crying with me.  ...Laughing with me.

I want to take this moment to tell my family that they're everything to me.  I can't imagine my life without their love, their (undeserved) support, their compassion, and understanding.  I live within the legacy that John left: a family who will stand together, and never pass the opportunity to tell each they're loved.

"And I will stand fast in the liberty in which God has made me free.  He is first and last, who was and is, through all eternity.  And His foundation will not fail or give.  I will look to Him and live.  I will look to Him and live."

--David B. Nolan
--Excerp from a song he recorded in WA, the day John died.  ...Before he knew.



Yes, there's a hole in my heart.  A real one.  I see a cardiologist on October 9th, because it's not just a hole, but regurgitation in two valves... 

There's a hole in my heart....

Ummm.  Really.

Iron walls

The pieces of me that comprise a whole are so vastly different.  I have come to a settlement of sorts; each is autonomous.  Each is still a functioning piece of my heart, my head, my personality, my behavior.
Each important person in my life is presented a different combination of these pieces ---that which is necessary to sustain the integrity of the relationship. 
Very rarely are some of the pieces combined in a way that makes me unrecognizable to anyone...

...And on some occasions, the boarders to these pieces erode, or decay, or break, or are consciously opened to include a new piece to the dynamic of the relationship.
I speak of very specific souls:  Friends.  Family.  Children.  Spouse.  God. 

Within each complex recipe, these pieces are controlled or hidden, or nurtured; creating relationships where I'd hesitate to change anything.  RARE. 

Most are where I have not successfully compartmentalized that which can tend to change and affect what I'm working toward --the hope for what's exchanged within that interaction.

More and more I slip.  More and more the balance of the woman I try to present to others is not just changing outwardly, but inside the unsettled pieces crack easier-- some with such intensity that I don't recognize the fact that it's still a piece of me.

What I'm trying to convey in this metaphor is probably not making much sense.  What would clarify it for someone --for myself included-- are the pieces with iron walls.

The outcome of their expression would change the face of any and every perception of this Rebecca.

...To move forward is as difficult as moving back.  Being still is where it hurts the least... but change --as sure as the sun comes up every morning- will come.  In the end, the puzzle I put together is the most difficult task imaginable... and the girl you know might not be the girl you know.

Dave turns 30

My lil' brother Dave turned 30 today.  There is a huge shin-dig/luau planned for this Saturday, which will be a blast.  My thoughts?  I'm OOOOOLD (not to make it about me)...

Davy is so smart.  He's an entrepreneur.  He's a husband and father.  He has a lot of Dad's qualities, like financial savvy, spirituality, and elusiveness.  :)  He has an MBA.  He works in sales, apparently very successfully, owning a beautiful and huge home in Layton.  I remember everything about his youth -from the little blue jumper he wore all the time that wouldn't zip all the way up because he had a huge head- to his "Aladdin" phase- to his band, etc.  I am so grateful to be a part of his life.  He is an incredible person, and it's my honor to call him my brother.

I love you, Dave.  Happy Birthday.

Geeze

Blogger has changed everything!  I am just catching up on it all.  Needless to say, it's been a VERY busy summer.  The girls and I have been swimming so much, no one recognizes me with this tan...  I am back to pre-Christmas-munch-out jeans!  YAY!  Let's see if I can stay there...

Today Lance got the camera working again, so I will need to blog all about our crazy year.

We have been on a Disney Cruise.
I worked for about 4 months.

Life moves forward in Sortor land, and I plan on keeping all my good friends abreast of the happenings/ goings-on/ whimsies of she who is Rebecca Anne Nolan Sortor.  Take it or leave it.

:) pleeeze take it.  I am that fun to follow....

meh

This last weekend was great -went to Phoebe's (my brother Dave's lil' girl) 3rd birthday party!  There is so much to tell about me and the 'goingzon', but for now, let's say, stress.

Quality

The days pass so quickly.  I am trying to make my time with the girls as "quality" as it can be, however, I'm hitting a bad block of time (4pm to 8pm) where Ella wants to stay busy playing with friends... Mia wants to follow her.... Sabrina is exhausted and doesn't like to take naps (but falls asleep sometimes anyway).  The goal is to keep the relationship that I have had with each of them when I was at home all day long.  I think Summer is especially hard because the kids have to find something to do (be entertained) all day long...  I'd feel awesomer if the girls were all in school while I worked...
Anywho, we made dinner, we washed hair, we made dessert, we played Super Mario Bros., we watched 2 episodes of Hannah Montana.  I'm trying...  : /

NEGLECT

To explain what has happened over the last year is moot.  I have survived the worst (including a new worst day of my life), and have come out kicking and screaming as I fight for my family.

Turmoil sucks, but it's a character builder, eh?

Meantime, everyone got older...  Ella is 8 (still working on baptism deets), Mia is 4, Bri is 2, almost 3.  Lance is still at Schreiber, and I have started working at ye olde Convergys.  I put 7 years in, in a past life, so it's not too big of a deal to come back.  However, I am trying to navigate tech-support for Comcast business clients.  Tuff.

I need to blog again.  I need to keep a record for my family.  I may tell my tale eventually, but please follow me, pray for me, and help me keep my karma clear as I apologize for anyone whom I have hurt.  ....My family especially.

With love

Merry Christmas Eve!!!

I want to thank all of you for being invested in our lives. We love you so much! Have a very Merry Christmas!