Fits

Ella cracked me up yesterday. She threw up her hands and started wailing in a fit over something my mom had denied her, and I took her to the couch. We sat down, and I told her that I wasn’t going to listen to any of her fits today –she looked at me with big tears in her eyes and said “But this is only my first fit!” Heh heh.

I hope

I hope
I hope that my girls get a firm sense of love their whole lives from both of their parents.
I hope that I can someday call the worst time in my life “in the past”.
I hope that I will strongly stand on two feet and take care of my girls, regardless of whether or not there is support from their dad.
I hope my girls forgive me for my mistakes.
I hope that I don’t wear the patience of my family who supports me, and my friends who listen to me.
I hope that there is life after this numbness.
I hope that beyond what I can see is something beautiful and worth fighting for.

The Pumpkin Walk

On Saturday we decided we needed to get out of the house. I took the girls to the Pumpkin Walk in North Logan. We had a nice time getting out, however, the walk was rather uneventfull...

Here are Ella and Mia enjoying a little snack.

Ella particularly enjoyed the many photo-ops. This was my favorite!
There's me watching the girls play.

M'Girls

The leaves are coming down! It's the most irresistible thing to Ella -she is constantly asking to make leaf piles and to be buried in the leaves. We had fun chillin' outside yesterday and enjoying the delights of autumn.

Untitled

Autumn used to be my most favorite time of year. I’ve always been a huge fan of the crisp weather, the warmer clothes, the leaves, and the anticipation of the holidays ahead. I’m a Christmas junkie, but for reasons quite obvious, I can’t get into it this year. The other day I was talking to my mom about my “state of being” which includes a standard get-through-the-day mentality. I step back only on rare occasion to take assessment of how I’m doing as a mother, sister, daughter and friend, and don’t feel too snazzy about any of them. I’ve dropped the A-Game, so-to-speak on giving of myself. I don’t feel anyone is suffering because of it, but the focus needs to be redirected on my girls. I can’t imagine having been attached to Lance even one more day and trying to go through any of this. He said the other day that everything has gone too far –and I could only agree. There isn’t any going back, however, the healing process is often beyond what my heart can hold. My girls don’t see much (if any) of the sadness anymore, but at random and unexplainable moments, the tears fall and my heart bursts with overwhelming loss.

A Sneak Peak For Rach!

Rach, Lily's Halloween costume is coming right along!!! :D

My Eye!

Oh Mia. As I went in for a kiss yesterday, Mia managed to poke my right eye with her little fingernail and cut it! OUCH! I have eye-drop antibiotics, which are NO BUENO. If I turn my eyes to look at something too fast it hurts. It feels like something is in my eye that I can't get out -and it hurts to blink. Babies are dangerous!

Fantastic Family Weekend

Well, the weekend started with just hearing that my sister Rachael was going to come up with her little fam-dam-bly. It turned out to be a full-on Nolan Family Affair! It was fabulous that everyone was able to make it to Logan. We have SO MANY gatherings throughout the year, this one just happened because we're conditioned and need eachother... :) Above, Mary and Sarah.
Rachael in the fore-ground, with Maryand Benny-babes behind.
The lovely Lily, with her hair all in her grill. :)
My beautiful Ella -note the spooge on her mouth.
Such a little doll.
...And a ham.

Here's Milly Kisses -going to town with a spoon! Babies LOVE spoons!
Her hair is starting to get long -need to give her her first trim!
Me in black and white :)
Me in Sepia!

We played some cards -and I have no shame, I KICKED TRASH AND HANDED SOME FOLKS THEIR BUTTS. This is Dave, frazzled and overwhelmed with my genius.Me, content at the helm of the "Mormon Bridge" empire.
BEST PICTURE IN SHOW. Lexie, getting "slap happy".
Here's Lexie redeeming her awkwardness with a fabulous photo.I got some GREAT time with baby Tessa! -SUCH a little love, nearly a month old.
It was awesome to see everyone. I have the best family -and they're each such incredible people. Love you guys!

In His Place

It seems like I have little to say –and that’s probably because I have so much to say. Peace and normalcy are so removed from me. I can’t explain the devastation and loss of a being that doesn’t exist anymore –but who still exists. In his place; threats, condescension, and anger.

Which Twilight Chick Am I??

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Halloween Is Going To Suck This Year!

Mom

My mom has been my angel. Mom has stood by me during my darkest hours –and has been nothing but absolutely encouraging and supportive. She has helped me take care of my babies when I had too much on my plate; she has picked up the slack when I couldn’t afford things like formula or medicine. She has been my confidant and my rock. Someday I hope to be the kind of mom she is. She has shown me unconditional love in such a beautiful way, I can never express my gratitude. I love you mom.

Saturday's Headache

How on earth do single moms survive migraines? I had the girls all weekend and had one of the most violent migraines I’d had in a LONG time on Saturday. Thank heaven for my parents. I was shutting down fast, and they were able to take care of my children while I knocked on death’s door for most of the day. The headache is still there, but the vomiting has stopped –and it’s certainly not as acute. I tell you, something has to give. The prospect of doing this on my own is beyond overwhelming, and I’ve never been more unsure of my own future. :(

To Love And Lost

I believe that meeting my husband and his family has been the best thing that could ever happen to me. I love each of them so dearly. Lance's mom is beautiful. She has the most graceful and generous spirit. I've never seen someone who wants to help so much. Debbie loves deeply and has a forgiving and free spirit. Donny is tough as nails -but as soft as a teddy-bear. I've watched him cry, I've watched him pull out some rap and dance-moves that would shock some people! He has loved me like a daughter from the moment I stepped into his family, and never had any reservation about telling me how beautiful I am. Candace is among my dearest friends. She is so honest and straight-up with how she feels. She is an incredibly loving mom and wife -and is crazy fun to hang out with. Her hunny Scott is among my dearest friends as well. He has my perspective on being married to this family. He is hilarious, full of useless information, tons of musical facts, and sings like a rockstar. Lance's big brother John is the life of the party when he's around. He lives in Price and I don't see him much. The last time I saw him, he was incredibly kind to me, which is a sweet closure.
Thank you Lance, for sharing these incredible people with me. They're a part of my heart and always will be.

Over

This was the rose Lance gave me for my birthday. It died. ...We died too. It's over.

Karen & Erin!

Karen threw me a little birthday at our skanky little hole-in-the wall bar on Saturday night. It was a blast! There was a fun band –Rumble Dogs, who played some great classic rock, and we had delicious carrot cake to boot! This has been a tradition of ours for nearly 10 years –as Karen’s hubby Tony is a bar tender there. Thanks for making my birthday a fun one, Karen. I love you! Erin is my bff who took me out on my birthday night. She hooked me up with some DARLING nails, and took me to the Olive Garden and shopping at Bath and Body Works. Erin deserves her own entry, and I’ll talk about her later, but thank you too for making my birthday so awesome! ...She's gonna kill me for putting this exciting Walmart photo on my blog! :)

8

8 TV Shows I Love to Watch
1: THE OFFICE –best show on TV!
2: My Name Is Earl
3: Ugly Betty
4: Survivor –are you sensing Thursday nights are ruff?
5: The Hills (guilty pleasure)
6: Desperate Housewives
7: According to Jim
8: Samantha Who?

8 Things That Happened Yesterday
1: My Birthday!
2: Went out with Erin & got nails done then went to The Olive Garden!
3: Got a huge beautiful rose& chocolate from Lance
4: The girls ate tacos
5: Prayed
6: Cheerios for breakfast
7: Worked
8: Changed one of my properties over to a rolling 12-month average for utility bills to help ease the burden of the stiff Vegas rates!

8 Favorite Places to Eat (Not in any particular order)
1: The Olive Garden
2: The Cheesecake Factory
3: El Toro Viejo
4: In-law’s
5: My family’s
6: Jitters
7: Paradise Bakery
8: Rodizio Grill

8 Things I'm Looking Forward to
1: Making a decision with my future
2: Seeing new baby Tessa again
3: The next family gathering –probably Thanksgiving!
4: Christmas!
5: Mia walking
6: My little Sultans birthday party on Saturday
7: Getting some bills paid off
8: Going to the farmer’s market on Saturday morning!

8 Things on My Wish List
1: All kinds of jewelry :)
2: Bangin’ body
3: Plastic surgery (unmentionable)
4: World Peace (heh heh)
5: Home Peace
6: Vacation
7: Enlightenment
8: Lots o’ munny -why not shoot for the stars?

Tag came from Megan, and I'm tagging anyone who wants to join in the fun.

Happy Birthday To Me!

Thirty one years. What have I learned?
I learned that there is no love more pure than loving your own child.
I learned that street smarts and book smarts are equally as valuable, but not in the business world!
I learned the value of education and the foundation of it being an expectation is a GOOD THING.
I learned that I’ve always had a testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, but I’m not perfect, and have a long way to go to prove it.
I learned that love can be so powerful it can consume you.
I learned that losing someone you love never stops hurting.
I learned that driving slowly and carefully is worth the time.
I learned that make-up makes me feel good about me, and make no apologies for my “routines” morning and nightly!
I learned that family is the most precious piece of our existence here on earth.
I learned that being myself is good enough –and that I would choose to be my friend.
I learned that stroganoff doesn’t just come together, you need a GOOD recipe!
I learned that time goes much faster as an adult.

I guess I could go on and on about lessons I’ve learned, as they’re limitless. I have a thousand regrets built in to these thirty one years, but I am so grateful for where I’ve ended up. What I know and whom I love are fulfilling and complete. My life holds many more adventures and mistakes and wonderful and miserable times, I’m sure… But I have peace. It’s a good birthday. October 2, 2008.