Sunday, May 15, 2011

dear John

Dear John-

It was so long ago that you and I sat in the computer room at Mom and Dad’s house when I told you that I was getting a divorce from Andrew. You looked so concerned, and told me that you’re there for me to talk to anytime I needed you.

I never took you up on that.

It was one of our last conversations.

I am in a similar position -9 years later, and I wish your offer was still standing. John, there are a million regrets that I have about my life and what I have (and have not) accomplished. Being a better sister to you is probably my number one. We shared the same migraines; we shared some of the same classes and friends… We both shared the heartbreaking idea that somehow we didn’t measure up. My peace truly comes from knowing that you don’t have to believe that anymore.

I’m still in the middle of it.

I wish I could tell you that I own my awesomeness (ha ha), but it’s so far outside of me I can’t seem to see straight. …This isn’t just awesomeness, this is beauty, this is motherhood, and even personal accountability. I am just getting by, and I hate it.

Yes, there are siblings whom I have absolute access to, who would love to listen and advise, however, the immortal element is quite an appeal. What’s it like, John? How wonderful is it knowing that you ARE incredible, and that you did wonderful things for people? …How does it feel to actually understand Heavenly Father’s love, and to walk with angels?

John, from what I know that we shared as children, I know that your concern and love for me is, and has always been real. I am so grateful. I am so touched and blessed to have known you, to have been your big sister for 22 years. I am humbled beyond belief that the incredible life you led somehow included me.

I am so sorry. I am sorry I let you down and made so many crappy decisions. I am so sorry that when you invited me to visit with you and your friends in Smithfield that I never went. I NEVER WENT!!! John, I am so sorry for the million regrets that I have about you, and I wish more than anything in the world that I could selfishly have you back for one day to just soak up some of your soul and rejuvenate my spirit and my faith.

I had a miscarriage a few years back… Hey, if that baby is kicking around up there, please send it my love and tell him or her how much I think about them. My girls would love you, John. …They know you because they knew you before crossing the veil, and it’s one of the most beautiful things to me: I know who you were hanging out with! :)

I hope you understand that as ever now, and ever in my future, you are a part of me. I miss you so terribly, it hurts. Thank you for being my angel. I will love you forever.