Thursday, October 23, 2008


Autumn used to be my most favorite time of year. I’ve always been a huge fan of the crisp weather, the warmer clothes, the leaves, and the anticipation of the holidays ahead. I’m a Christmas junkie, but for reasons quite obvious, I can’t get into it this year. The other day I was talking to my mom about my “state of being” which includes a standard get-through-the-day mentality. I step back only on rare occasion to take assessment of how I’m doing as a mother, sister, daughter and friend, and don’t feel too snazzy about any of them. I’ve dropped the A-Game, so-to-speak on giving of myself. I don’t feel anyone is suffering because of it, but the focus needs to be redirected on my girls. I can’t imagine having been attached to Lance even one more day and trying to go through any of this. He said the other day that everything has gone too far –and I could only agree. There isn’t any going back, however, the healing process is often beyond what my heart can hold. My girls don’t see much (if any) of the sadness anymore, but at random and unexplainable moments, the tears fall and my heart bursts with overwhelming loss.


Joni said...

Time..... that's all I can tell you, it does get better and even then you will always feel a sense of loss because there were good times and there are good memories and in a way that really stinks because if there wasn't, this wouldn't be so hard.
Someday you will be able to look back and see all of this, the good and the bad with a clarity that you can't possibly see with today. I know that doesn't help you out today but for now just focus on the fact that you did everything you could. You can hold your head up knowing that you didn't create the pain, the misery or the mess....You just caught in it. I'm so sorry for that.

Lexy said...

This is Dave. I love you Rebecca. You, Ella and Mia are in my prayers. Remember that God is in control.