Merry Christmas Eve!!!

I want to thank all of you for being invested in our lives. We love you so much! Have a very Merry Christmas!

Token....

Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes. The token self-shots are baaaaaack!

Ella's Christmas concert was today. What a fiasco. Have I mentioned that I am NOT a fan of Ella's elementary school? Gruff. Delivering some gifts... Running errands... Gettin' her done. By far the busiest time of the year.

Day 7 MWTOTY

Tonight we ventured to Mom's house for some family time/ differ/ hang with my friend Betsy-babes. We had a great time. Mom took a few moments to talk to the kids about the Christmas things they see every day -and what it signifies. IE candy represent the crook that the Shepperd's saw. We talked about stars, and Ella actually proved to me that the lessons were working! -She told us about the night before our Savior was born, the dark night sky never came. It was as bright as the sun for the entire night. Those who were unbelieving were panicked. I don't want that judgment one day of being one who panics and hides in shame.

Lots of work to do.

Thoughts on my experiment... I am so much happier now in this moment of my life than I had been for entirely too long.

Got most of the Christmas cards finished, got the car back ($268 -never gettin' that back ...do I have any rich friends? Leave a comment, or send a check in the mail!! Cash is acceptable too!), glamorizing my friend for photos, and took the pictures too! I hope that something looks good for her. The season of giving, of beauty, of Christ has truly captured me. I absolutely love love love

Day SIIIIIIIIIICKS MWTOTY

The siiiiiicks has a double meaning... It's long because it covers 2 days (I want one more shot at it tomorrow), and the "cks" part of it goes toward an ugly stomach bug that's been plaguing the tummies and toilets of the house. Eew.

Ok, so yesterday was the ward party. The meal was tostadas (deeeelightful) and I didn't have to cook! That's what went right...
Lance's Dad wound up back in the hospital (after a terrible history as of late, including a quintuple bypass) and was ambulanced to Ogden. The car broke. The wii broke.
Merry Christmas $ = :(
Okay, so here's why my Christmas spirit is :) --No one was hurt or injured when the car broke (could have cost lives if these springs had exploded (thanks for expiring the recall last month, Ford) while going any faster). Ella couldn't play the wii all day (woo!). ...And after draining his chest and running tests, I don't know the current situation with Donny, but I think that no news is good news. I will have to hound Lance for the update later on. After I heard about Donny last night I said a prayer. I cried and prayed, and was impressed to ask for his health if it be His will. I kinda had a panic attack after that. There was an incredible relief to hear that the hospital hadn't called during the night.

The miracles are everywhere and can be recognized when we accept His grace into our hearts and look.

No pictures lately -during this experiment. ...Just words. A LOT of thought.

Day 5 MWTOTY

Sooooo, amidst distractions and tears we read some scriptures and said a prayer.

Thought for the day....

"We all enjoy giving and receiving presents. But there is a difference between presents and gifts. The true gifts may be part of ourselves--giving of the riches of the heart and mind--and therefore more enduring and of far greater worth than presents bought at the store."
-James E. Faust

I need to work on my gifts......

Day 4, MWTOTY

So! Today hasn't been stellar, but not too bad either... Mad dash back for Christmas cards, as the ones I purchased turned out SO much different than I'd thought.

ALERT! PLEASE LEAVE YOUR ADDRESS IN A COMMENT OR MAIL ME: rebeccasortor@gmail.com

I don't want to leave anyone off the card list... The picture of the girls is SO cute --HUGE SCHPANKS TO MARY!!!!

Prayer? I'm so out of practice on this. ...At least I THINK about it all the time! Tonight I gathered the girls and we did a few more days from my book. When I prayed with the girls, we asked for a reminder to treat each other with respect and kindness... Not because Santa 'is watching' -but because it's how we honor Christ.

Love thy neighbor.

Day 3 MWTOTY

Prayer- man, gotta hit the knees.
Christmas spirit? Yes. This time it wasn't quite for the girls though, but for me. I went with Mom to her Relief Society Christmas Party. The program focused on women at the time of Christ -Mary, her mother, Joseph's mother, the Innkeeper's wife... So much about tonight was a personal witness within my heart that Christ is my center and that He is the Savior of mankind. The final woman who spoke did not portray that of a woman at Christ's time, but rather, the affected woman of today. This woman holds such a special place in my heart. Her college-age daughter died of leukemia this year. She spoke of Jesus, who knows our sorrows. She bore witness of the Christ who loves us so perfectly and personally -and as she cried, I cried too.

I found a quick moment when it was all over to stop her and thank her. Many many years ago, I had had for only an evening, her precious daughter in my care. I told her that when we lost John, yes, I lost a brother, but watching my parents lose their child was unbearable. I remember the first Christmas after it had happened so clearly. Though we heal, and our hearts figure out a peace, every Christmas is the sweetest reminder that Christ loves us -and loved me enough to give me the privilege of being John's sister. I told this sweet lady that her daughter's testimony was printed and kept at my Mom's home, where I read it several times. I told her that watching her speak tonight took me back to seeing the heartache in my own Mom, but it's also a calm witness that Christ heals.

When we stop to focus on the miracles, they come in to focus with abundance. I am humbled.

Day 2 MWTOTY

Prayed, many times.

-Ever notice that when you MEAN to pray, there's a constant running prayer in your heart, but sometimes it's just hard to find the time to hit your knees and do the work? Man, maybe that's just me. YIKES. Got Mia's eyes checked today -she's good to go. *Thank you, Lord. Fought more tooth pain and headache to boot, but survived. *Thank you, Lord. After cleaning up gobs of puke last night from Ella being sick, I had her home all day to whine and fight with Mia. We all took a trip to Sam's Club this afternoon (she felt better by 9 AM) after trying to stop by Ella's classroom to pick up missed work (yeah, the only teacher not in). So, I had a nervous twitch with tooth pain and feeling sickish -which randomly is including losing my voice (wth?)- I quickly realized that I was losing my Christmas spirit: a term coined by Nolans long ago.

Note: this term is applicable for incidents during the month of December and non-December alike... IE say Mary was caught cheating at Mormon Bridge, Becca might be "losing her Christmas spirit" because she didn't think to do that first...

So while doing dishes, I listened to the Mo' Tabs sing "The First Noel" and I cried. I gathered the girls at bedtime and dusted off an old book that I never finished putting together which had different scripture verses and a thought/ song for every day in December leading up to Christmas. We did December 1-4. The girls bounced around and only Ella could give me any real indicator that it meant something, but it did. ...Mean something.

I said a family prayer with my little girls and specifically thanked our Heavenly Father for the beauty of this season. Tonight it became a little more so.

Day 1 MWTOTY

(MWTOTY=Most Wonderful Time Of The Year)
Prayed, check!
Prayed a few times with a toothache, check check!
Christmas lesson? Well, we watched the oldie-but-goodie "It's Christmas, Charlie Brown" -which is one of the most beautiful and humble little cartoons ever presented to children. I love how at the end I was able to reinforce the message that was clear already (schpanks, S.Schwartz) -that the season is about Christ.

How did it go over? With glazed faces and requests for a denied dessert. On to day two!

It's The Most Wonderful....

I don't have everything that I want right now. I do have everything that I need right now. This is enough. Maybe this should be what I want?

The road to autonomy and perspective is riddled with people and opinions -Sarah, am I right??

Anywho.... I am going to run an interesting challenge this week that I have come up with on my own. I owe a WHOLE lot more than I have given. I will for this week:

1- BEGIN and END each day in thoughtful and REAL prayer.
2- Include in these prayers for inspiration somehow to help my girls see (even in a small way)why this is truly the most wonderful time of the year.

I shall record my findings.

Mia was born on November 30th, and she changed my life. This little girl is absolutely the most charming and hilarious kid you'd ever see! Ask her about her dance moves... She will argue almost anything for the sake of being right. She compliments people on jewelry or hair-do's --my little girly girl. Mia is so intelligent and wonderful.

Thank you swet girl for the incredible honor of being your Mommy.

Weeeeell, isn't that just SPECIAL?

Right and wrong isn't the sermon of the day. ...Neither is good and evil, and for that matter.... no, there will be no sermons.

There is so much to say that it's been a daunting task to consider coming back to this lil' record I've kept. I figure the only way I'll start blogging again is if I don't worry about what's gone on in this last year as much. I'm okay, and that's a good enough place to start.

growth

Commence chapter one.
Tomorrow morning.
8:00 AM

Happy 7th Ella!

May 13th came and went, but not unnoticed! Ella turned 7 years old. I had a fun cake for her on her actual birthday -thanks to my friend Karen for making another delicious number for us!
Ella had an awesome birthday party the next day. We did a lil' bit of a Hannah Montana motif, mixed with an "Ella's Garden" bit since she got some plants for her birthday. ...At her request. :)
Dear Ella-

You are such an incredible young lady. You have developed your reading skills like mad and love it. You sparkle with any opportunity to learn. You are crazy creative and make absolutely adorable creations. You like to draw pictures and hide them for me! :) I cherish them. You earned a special math award this year. You are brilliant with speaking and understand & pick up so much. Every day I dropped you off at school you would literally run inside!

You have friends who adore you. Your sisters want to be just like you. You are a natural leader, and feel deeply with your heart. Ella, it is an absolute honor to be your mother. I thank God for you every day of my life, and will never ever understand what I did to deserve you.

I hope you had a good birthday, sweetie.

Yours,
Mommy

Mia's Graduation

This little Bell of the ball has graduated her 1st year of Preschool! Her star says "Sooo Cute" because she says it all the time about most things... You should shop with her!
Here's Ella and me chillin' at the show!
Mia must have had something important to say. It usually comes in a stance like this, with a full-toothed smile too. I'm a lucky mom. :)
Congrats, my middle angel. You're growing up too fast!

sugar

I have been living moment to moment in a universe of absolute uncertainty. The only thing I know is that I love my children and love God. ...Most everything else is up for grabs. There are a few arms of extenuating "I believes", but have been proven wrong on too many.

The trust I thought I'd had in so many different aspects is really shaken. There have been "regrettable incidents" to straight-up betrayals. I have been faced with truths unbearable to believe, or alternatively too unbearable to internalize (therapy has been helping)...

I have a sincere appreciation for those who have expressed concern, and you'll please forgive me for keeping most of you at an arm's length. It's the darkest hour of my life, and I don't know how to sugar-coat it.

dear John

Dear John-

It was so long ago that you and I sat in the computer room at Mom and Dad’s house when I told you that I was getting a divorce from Andrew. You looked so concerned, and told me that you’re there for me to talk to anytime I needed you.

I never took you up on that.

It was one of our last conversations.

I am in a similar position -9 years later, and I wish your offer was still standing. John, there are a million regrets that I have about my life and what I have (and have not) accomplished. Being a better sister to you is probably my number one. We shared the same migraines; we shared some of the same classes and friends… We both shared the heartbreaking idea that somehow we didn’t measure up. My peace truly comes from knowing that you don’t have to believe that anymore.

I’m still in the middle of it.

I wish I could tell you that I own my awesomeness (ha ha), but it’s so far outside of me I can’t seem to see straight. …This isn’t just awesomeness, this is beauty, this is motherhood, and even personal accountability. I am just getting by, and I hate it.

Yes, there are siblings whom I have absolute access to, who would love to listen and advise, however, the immortal element is quite an appeal. What’s it like, John? How wonderful is it knowing that you ARE incredible, and that you did wonderful things for people? …How does it feel to actually understand Heavenly Father’s love, and to walk with angels?

John, from what I know that we shared as children, I know that your concern and love for me is, and has always been real. I am so grateful. I am so touched and blessed to have known you, to have been your big sister for 22 years. I am humbled beyond belief that the incredible life you led somehow included me.

I am so sorry. I am sorry I let you down and made so many crappy decisions. I am so sorry that when you invited me to visit with you and your friends in Smithfield that I never went. I NEVER WENT!!! John, I am so sorry for the million regrets that I have about you, and I wish more than anything in the world that I could selfishly have you back for one day to just soak up some of your soul and rejuvenate my spirit and my faith.

I had a miscarriage a few years back… Hey, if that baby is kicking around up there, please send it my love and tell him or her how much I think about them. My girls would love you, John. …They know you because they knew you before crossing the veil, and it’s one of the most beautiful things to me: I know who you were hanging out with! :)

I hope you understand that as ever now, and ever in my future, you are a part of me. I miss you so terribly, it hurts. Thank you for being my angel. I will love you forever.

becca

survive

Looking around, every space is different in one way or another. I am now in a beautiful little home --with just my little girls.

I have experienced a very long moment of time between "then" and "now" where time flashed in a hurry... There were a million meetings, there were a million interviews and papers to fill out... I am kind-of lucky that mundane paperwork is something I happen to thoroughly enjoy. :)

Ella is fantastic --she turns 7 years old on the 13th! She has been excelling at school in reading. She just finished indoor soccer where she was the only girl --and the tallest chick on the team!

Mia is almost done with preschool, and sings "Jesus Wants Me For A 'Sun-beep'" multiple times an hour.

Sabrina will now copy any word you ask her to say, and is down to one (or less) nap a day...

I am looking into options available to me at this moment, but am still sad. I am continuing therapy and am learning at a heart-breaking pace what friendships I have that can survive.

...Survive.

New

Everything is different. ...Much more to come.

future

When I think about the future of my little family it is excruciating. I don't know when or how, but it's all going to change.

I love my girls. I want only wonderful and good things for them, above all peace. I guess as the saying goes, it's better to come from a broken home than to live in one. Someday I will have so many questions to answer --and that day is coming. As this is the only life these girls will have, my job is to prepare them for it. How can I be effective and be the influence that inspires independence, strength of character, and an absolute knowledge of what she will and will not stand for?

Live it.

that DARN blog...

It grates on my mind ALL THE TIME. I don't know how people can just "forget" about their blogs --mine grates on me everyday. ...Everyday that I don't write is a conscious choice. Sometimes my writing is too personal, and therefore, includes too much of what's going on inside of my brain.

My brain.
Ugh. Be grateful you're not there. At some point, the whole story will come flooding out, and the puzzle pieces will all make sense. That's not today. That's not anytime soon, so until then, I may write... I should write... I have three little girls who will someday wonder what's the dealio with the holes here, but maybe much longer than that someday, they will understand.

...Maybe by then I will too.

Where is Rebecca?

Time will tell.

"We judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing, while others judge us by what we have already done."
-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

My Mia

Mia is my little buddy who follows me around the house and goes shopping with me all the time. She goes everywhere with me all the time. Mia is hilarious, and makes me laugh on a constant basis. I a hear little " 'Cuse me" from her here and there, and I bust up. I hear "Mommy, peese help me" -but it's all muffled together- like 50 times a day. She loves her puzzles and her stickers... She's girly -loves nail polish, pink, jewlery, and refuses to take her dress off after church. Mia is a huge Mickey Mouse fan, and is very VERY intrigued by my make-up, as she watches me put it on everyday.

(I try to ignore the fact that she's watching carefully waiting for my attention to fall on something else in order to ninja herself in and steal something to start applying beauty products to her own lovely little face!!!)

Love that girl.

Ella

MY ELLA

Today I drove Ella around Logan and we talked about college and how she wants to be a veterinarian and work with race horses. She is becoming so amazingly smart and seems to take in everything around her... She asks questions, but she figures out so much on her own. I know this girl has an amazing future, and I am so excited to see what she will become.

So many

So many ridiculous cartoons that I can't stand.
So many meals I FLOP.
So many creative ways I can now hide from dirty diapers.
SOOOOOO many tears, and fits, and questions!
So many cuddles and kisses.
So many "I love you's".
So many blessings.

So many blessings.

Football, baybee!!!

Steelers = Candace's team

Greenbay = Lance's team

WAR

blood -eew

While shaving today, in lieu of dropping the soap, I managed to cut a huge chunk out of my left ring finger. It bled everywhere! Aaaah, beauty=pain!!!

neglect

I have been neglecting this blog, and it's time to get back in the saddle! Ever notice when one thing goes, EVERYTHING goes too? So today I picked up all the trash out of the van, I took down all the Christmas stuff (not entirely my fault--the bins for storing it all were in the storage shed until this week), scrubbed all 3 bathrooms, cooked pumpkin pancakes for Ella, and even did my nails.

Feelin' good!

Good Stuff

All the more introspection as time rolls on... I'm coming up on my last session of therapy this Thursday. I have found many valuable tools in the way I think. Translating everything that I have learned is something different... It's the same as knowing any certain truth and not demonstrating what you know. It grates on you, but you can be okay with it too. I have learned that 1- I am a valuable person. 2- I have pieces of me that I have neither listened to, nor given heed to which are desperate to speak out loud. It may be this way my whole life -yet, when I know I'm not heading in a direction that I want to go, listening will prove the most important thing I can possibly do. 3- Caring for me is not a present contribution. I am past/present/future Rebecca, and there is so much to address to each of them.

I am not going to dive much further into this, but I do want to say that it's been so good for me to have an outside perspective on ME and the way/ things I think. How can that not be helpful?
Good stuff.

7

7 years, baby. This one is for you....

:)

CHRISTMAS 2010!!!

WARNING:

LOTS OF PICTURES!!!

This has been such an incredibly busy season! The blog has been neglected. :( Here are some highlights!
Above is the delectable and coveted caramel corn that Rachael and I put together. Mmmmm.
She also made yumo cranberry salsa. I highly recommend this.

During the season Lance brought me some gorgeous Christmas roses. How blessed am I???

Here's Ella.

...And Mia...

Bri-bri too!

I had a crazy idea to throw a Santa-cookie decorating party for lil' ones. Above is Candace -my sister-in-law.

Here's my cute Melanie!

NOTE: there are lots of pix of this, but I uploaded everything for this entry, and don't want to mess with sticking them in the right spot!! (Someone tutor me on this so I can do things easier, eh???)

So you just get to see my friends and not kiddos with yummy sugar cookies! Sorry!

Christmas Eve was first spent at the Sortor's home. Here's Lance and Donny.

Chaedon and Donny.

I LOVE this picture! It's Mia and Grandma.

Here's a very excited Ella holding Sabrina!

Lancey-cakes.

Token self-shot. BAD lighting, fuzzy picture. Oh well!

Mia got a robot! She loves this toy!!

Santa Claus (Donny) came to see everyone that evening!

Sabrina got some fun toys.

Here's cute Chaedon with Santa! Love it!

Ella got some Leapster books with the pen to help her read.

On to the Nolan's home! Above is part of Mom's tree... It's the inspiration for my own. I have always loved her victorian tree. Sorry kids! Someday we'll have a 2nd tree with ugly ornaments, but this one is MINE.

Grinchy?

Dad read the Christmas story from The Bible and we sung carols.

Mom and my sister Sarah.

Lexie, Dave (my brother), and Grandmother (Dad's mom who was flown out for the holiday).

Kids and craziness... That's Mia, Tessa, Rachael, and Lily-bug.

Finally home. Here's our tree before we went to bed.

My tree.

Christmas morning mayhem.

YIKES!

Back to my parent's home for more gifts!

Fabulous Sarah.

Here's my VERY tired Sabrina, who was taken home early for a nap.

My Granny-loo.

We wound up at the Sortor's home after this session for a wonderful Christmas dinner -THANK YOU DONNY AND DEBBIE!

It was such a busy and beautiful day. I had it rougher, however, with a fever and a UTI at the end of the day. :( We made it through a very long and boring (if you ask Ella) Christmas break, and now after a quick round of a stomach/puke bug for all 3 little girls, our lives are starting to fall back into the grove of normalcy.

If you made it through this post, I'm VERY impressed! Sorry about the drought. I will get better.

Hey, who wants to take a pottery class with me?