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Monday, September 8, 2008

The Worst.

You know when worse becomes normal, and you don't acknowledge that there could be a worst coming? It did. To take a step back, Lance is a functional alcoholic. I knew this about him when I married him. I had made a very firm decision in my mind that after my history with marriage, there was no way I would make this commitment again unless I dove in head-first with all of my heart and soul. And I did. Everyone who knows me could see it on my face, my joy was so full.
Something changed.
A distance has been building for some time, and I couldn't love enough for the both of us. Have you ever loved more than you were loved? It's the most damning place I know.
It seemed to be my choice for a while; Do I remove the girls from a home with a mom and a dad for my selfish need to be adored? The choice was no longer mine when I saw that Lance had moved on. He let me know in no uncertain terms that I didn't meet his physical standard, nor his mothering standard. Granted, he told me while blind drunk, but the physical number saved on his phone (“hott blonde chick”) made it too real to ignore.
I moved out in one day. I have friends and my mom recruited some strong men who came through for me- in such a beautiful and enlightening way. I'm loved.
As the girls nestled into bed with me last night in the house I grew up in, and my tenderheart Mia whined, knowing something was wrong, something told me I did the right thing.

13 comments:

Rachael said...

:( There aren't words.....

We LOVE you...

Lexy said...

Rebecca I know you did the right thing. You do deserve so much love you are a spectacular woman. I know what it's like to have someone like that as a father, thus gives me the asurety that it was the right thing for you and the girls. We love you so much.

Kate said...

Rebecca, I don't know if you remember my family's history with alcoholism - but I know how hard it is. I really do. An alcoholic can be so wonderful when sober, and so horrible when drunk. It's not an easy decision. I am hugging you so hard right now! You'll do the right thing. xoxoxo

Ashlee said...

Becca, I am so sorry. I don't even know what to say except that I love you and I think you are an amazing mother, and that I will pray for you and your sweet girls. You touched my life for good a long time ago, and even though we don't see eachother except through the blogging world I still care about you and hope you will be okay... lots of love...

Ashlee said...

I wish I had your e-mail... but I will just do this instead.

I don't know what it's like to be with an alcoholic, but my dad was horribly, horribly addicted to prescription medications. I felt that I wanted to tell you that all of the things he did to me personally caused me a lot of pain and issues, but it wasn't nearly as bad as me having to watch him hurt my mother.

It's not my place to say anything I know, and I am so not trying to pass judgement... I really just want to offer love... but I wanted to tell you that if you can spare your girls watching YOU get hurt, not just helping them too... it's a good thing.

I hope that came out right. I wish we still worked together so I could just talk to you!

mommynolan said...

You will never know how much you are loved! Your family stands beside you and your decision. I just hurt to see how much you are hurting. You are a wonderful mother. I am grateful you are here with us where perhaps we can help you through this trial. I'll love you forever! Mom

Unknown said...

Rebecca, you are such a strong person, I have no doubt you made the right decision for you and the girls. You will be fine, you are surrounded with the love of family and friends. You are in my prayers. xoxo Crystal

Unknown said...

Becca, I'm so sorry. It sounds like you made the right choice but I know what a scary, lonely place that can be. PLEASE call me if you need anything at all. You and your beautiful girls will be in my thoughts and prayers.

~Jake, Brianna, Jocelyn, and Carter~ said...

I had no idea. I wish I had something BRILLIANT to say that would make everything that is hurting feel soothed. Just know that I am here for you! Jake and I are back in town - if you ever need us to watch your girls while you clear your head by soaking in your sisters or something, please call! You've got my number and can e-mail me also! Love you, Becca!

Teri said...

Becca,
We love you so much. You are one of the strongest women I know. Please know that we are here for you. You are welcome to bring your sweet girls here to play with my kids and you can run away for awhile. I lost the phone that had your cell number in it, so please call me if you need anything. You are all in our prayers.

skipper said...

I'm so sorry, I had no idea! My maternal grandfather was an alcoholic and now, two generations later, we are still paying the price for his misdeeds. You made the right choice! I'm so glad you have such a wonderful, supportive family around you (not to mention your friends)! If you need ANYTHING please don't hesitate to call or even just show up. You're in our thoughts and prayers.
Love ya!

Unknown said...

Everyone else seems to have already said what I wanted to say to you, but here goes...
Baby-you are meant to be happy!!!! Take it from someone that knows what you are going through and how hard a decision this was to make, YOU'VE DONE THE RIGHT THING!! So many others have said call anytime you need a shoulder, but I'm going to add mine to that list. You know you can call at anytime.
I love you babe!!

Hev said...

All I can say my friend is I LOVE YOU! I'm here for you and let me know if there is anything I can do!! You are so loved!