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Wednesday, October 14, 2009

This Monday...

This Monday I'm having a hysterectomy. The details of why aren't necessary, but it's something that I have to do.

There are a million thoughts and fears that go with something like this. ....Most of which can't even be voiced because it's such a strangely private and quiet ending to something that has defined me in a way -to something that provided my own personal meaning for my life.

That will be gone.

It's not an organ of my body that I'll be missing, it is a worth. My children mean absolutely everything to me. My body has told me (in a very painful way) that I am not supposed to have any more... It's the end of this era. I'm growing old. My life is so real -and is taking on a new shape of where I stand in it. I'm not 'young and fabulous' -I have years and years behind me. ...More than turning 32 years old, THIS is the moment I have dreaded: realizing that any youth in me is long gone. Realizing that there is no moving backward -and these three angels are the only angels I will bare.

I would not be doing this if I hadn't come to terms with all of it. I am absolutely greatful for each life I have brought in to this world; my role goes on to raise them now.

I can't put these words together right.

5 comments:

Kate said...

I'm sorry, Rebecca. I wish we were neighbors so I could cook dinner for you every day and hold your babies for you while you heal. Lots of hugs and kisses. xoxo

Mary said...

I'm sorry you have to go through this. It won't be easy; things that we need usually aren't. Let me know what I can do for you. Love you.

Colette and The Chickenwings said...

Rebecca, good luck with the surgery and recovery. I can imagine all the complex feelings that come with seeing an end to your childbearing but your girls are so blessed to have you!

Unknown said...

Becca- I know exactly what you mean. It is hard. You know it's the right thing to do and your so grateful for all that the good Lord has blessed you with and yet there is still a sadness because you no longer have the same options and there will always be what if's. If you need anything, just let me know. i will be thinking of you and your cute family. I love you!

mommynolan said...

Six years ago you did not believe you would ever have children. How blessed we all are that you do have three precious spirits in your home. they are depending on you to give them everything they need to become fabulous women in their own right--lie you. Your life has such great meaning and purpose. I am so grateful I can be right here by your side and with your babies through this trial. I love you Mom