Tuesday, December 16, 2008


Craig Wilson, USA TODAY

I hate this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it's the season when the food police come outwith their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through theholidays without gaining 10 pounds. You can't pick up a magazinewithout finding a list of holiday eating do's and don'ts. Eliminatesecond helpings, high-calorie sauces and cookies made with butter, theysay. Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say. Good grief. Is yourfavorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick? I didn't thinkso. Isn't mine, either. A carrot was something you left for Rudolph.I have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if youfollow them, you'll be fat and happy. So what if you don't make it toNew Year's? Your pants won't fit anymore, anyway.

1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-maltscotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch.You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Whocares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you'regoing to turn into an egg-nogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fillit with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk orwhole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sportscar with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and NewYear's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. You can't leave them behind. You're not going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mince meat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with themandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, havesome standards, mate.

10. And one final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave theparty or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.Reread tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookieless January is just aroundthe corner.


Kate said...

Now look at that picture of Christmas cookies... do you see chocolate chip cookies in there anywhere? ;-)

Merry Christmas, sweet Rebecca!

Unknown said...

I agree 100%! I will for sure be adhering to this advice. :)

something very bright said...

"Cookieless January" does sound scary! Thanks for these, Becca--they were cute!

Colette and The Chickenwings said...

I seriously appreciate a little blurb for the "dark side"! Let the eating commence!!!